Are she/they pronouns rooted in internalised misogyny?
My experience with pronouns and misogyny
Everything stated below is my opinion and my experience, nothing is based on any facts. It is also worth mentioning that I understand that what I will be discussing does not apply to everyone, I do not intend to offend or invalidate anyone’s gender identity. The topic of discussion is something that I have discovered within myself and want to share to find other people who might relate to it.
Not too long ago, I made the recent self-discovery that I no longer identified as being gender fluid and I wrote an essay on the topic, I thought I was Gender-Fluid but I Just Hated My Name. While writing the essay I started to explore the reason as to why I felt like I had such a connection to she/they pronouns despite not feeling as though I am anything other than a woman. The conclusion that I came to was that my desire “for more neutral pronouns stems more from wanting to detach myself from society’s expectations of women rather than my personal gender”. In this essay I will be challenging my internal misogyny in hopes that it will spark other people to think about theirs.
Misogyny: Ingrained prejudice against women
To put things bluntly, I believe that I like she/they pronouns because they help show people that I am ‘not like other girls’; let me explain.
When asking people to use any form of they/them pronouns it automatically creates a barrier between the person and the standard gender binaries. This, in theory, should mean that they are exempt from the typical, overt stereotypes of either gender.
After growing up in a relatively conservative area that did frequently push gender stereotypes, the idea that there was an identity that could minimise those expectations was appealing. As a child, I always hated that due to the fact I was a woman certain things were expected of me, I wanted to have the choice to do what I wanted when I wanted, not because some invisible clock was ticking. I had thought that I could escape my fate if I started to use she/they pronouns, however I was in fact running straight towards it.
My goal with not using she/her pronouns was that it would help me to create a distance between me and womanhood. A gap between me and the expectations I so desperately wanted to have control over. Although I liked the sound of one day becoming a wife and mother, my concern was that it would end up being all that I am, I did not want those labels to consume me like it has other women. I have heard too many stories where the woman was flattened into a two dimensional character, being no more than a wife and mother, her achievements outside of those realms forgotten.
Due to this, and other factors, I decided to start using she/they pronouns. In short, I wanted to be taken more seriously than other women, I wanted to show the world that I was more than what was expected of my assigned gender, I wanted to be different. By having this ‘other-ing’ mentality I was playing right into the system.
I had become a lesser known type of a pick me girl.
Pick me girl: a derogatory term used to describe a woman who excessively seeks validation and attention by subtly or overtly putting down other women. This behavior often involves presenting oneself as being "different" or "not like other girls". The term is rooted in misogynistic undertones, as it suggests that a woman's worth is tied to male approval.
Although I was not solely seeking male validation, I was putting down other women as I had the belief that unless they were making an active effort, they would fall victim to stereotypes and the expectations that come with it. In my mind, I had developed this fear of being seen the same way as any other woman. I think it is fair to say that no one really wants to be the subject of society’s expectations but it is excessive to attempt to separate from it in such a way.
Now that I am both a mother and a wife I want to tackle this internalised misogyny head on. Both of these labels are now large parts of who I am and I am proud of that. At the same time I am determined that my other qualities and achievements are not overshadowed by those things. As I have gotten older, I have learnt that many things can co-exist at once, there is not a finite supply of what you can call yourself.
As of current I still use she/they pronouns as it feels the most comfortable however I am still trying to decide if that comfort is due to the fact that it feels like my identity or if I have just become comfortable with my internalised misogyny.
interesting read! i wrote a post called “my lesbian gender” - i didn’t delve into pronouns much, but i talked about my relationship with gender/sexuality which i think also sheds some clarity on why i like she/they pronouns. i’m honest with myself though that while i like they/them pronouns, they’re not necessary for me to feel comfortable. i think that’s extremely different to people who feel unsettling dysphoria as a result of being misgendered, and why i would never make comparisons between my experiences and theirs. for me, if anything, i think using she/they pronouns comes less from internalised misogyny and more from insecurity - not feeling “enough” like a woman and feeling different in a bad way, not feeling superior